you did this (January 10, 2020)

I tell myself that you have

no power

not over me 

not anymore

I tell myself that I’m safe

that you can’t affect me

touch me 

hurt me

but it’s a lie

you’re not here

not physically

but you’re everywhere 

you’re in my mind

you’re in my actions

you’re in my nightmares

you’re. still. here.

so no matter how many times

I try to convince myself 

that I’m okay

that you are gone

that it’s all over

it’s not

I’m wrong

because it will never end

you’ve changed me

not figuratively 

not metaphorically

you–what you did

literally rewired my brain

literally changed my ability to think

literally will be with me forever

I didn’t ask for it

I didn’t want it

and I still don’t 

but I didn’t get to make that choice

so fuck you

for taking a part of me

and leaving behind yourself