Take It All Back (December 16, 2019)

-
Do you ever wish that you could take something back?
completely wipe the slate and pretend like nothing happened?
It’s funny how I convinced myself that it was the right thing
told myself that it was empowering and part of healing
tricked myself into thinking that no one would get hurt
But I look around, 
and everyone who I love, everyone who has been there for me, 
is being questioned
Like it’s their fault–they have to deal with another one of my never-ending problems
and it’s not fair
and they don’t deserve it
They deserve the world–one where I’m not their problem
one where I don’t bring them down with me
one where I let them go
But I can’t 
because I’m selfish 
because I don’t want to be alone
because I can’t hold up the crumbling walls by myself
I see their hurt
I see their eyes
I see the destruction that I bring 
But I can’t let them go
I don’t deserve them 
I’m made aware of that every day that they don’t leave
but I wish they would
for themselves 
because I can’t let them go
and no one deserves to have this–me–on their plate

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

you did this (January 10, 2020)

-
I tell myself that you have no power not over me  not anymore I tell myself that I’m safe that you can’t affect me touch me  hurt me but it’s a lie you’re not here not physically but you’re everywhere  you’re in my mind you’re in my actions you’re in my nightmares you’re. still. here. so no matter how many times I try to convince myself  that I’m okay that you are gone that it’s all over it’s not I’m wrong because it will never end you’ve changed me not figuratively  not metaphorically you–what you did literally rewired my brain literally changed my ability to think literally will be with me forever I didn’t ask for it I didn’t want it and I still don’t  but I didn’t get to make that choice so fuck you for taking a part of me and leaving behind yourself
Read more

Writing Myself Out Of Tears pt. 1 (November 2, 2019)

-
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was a big holiday in my family. Everyone–and I mean everyone– was there. Over 100 of us all piled into my great grandfather’s garage. Three huge turkeys from dad, Auntie Jane, and Auntie Karen; hundreds of cookies from Mary and me; and endless tickles from Uncle Jimmy.  I love holidays. With a big family like mine, they are the one time we all get together. And boy do we make a big deal of them.  I loved holidays. With a once big family like mine, they were the one time we all got together. And boy did we make a big deal of them. Now we don’t talk about them. Don’t talk about the empty seats that will never be filled. Don’t talk about the abundance of leftovers because we refuse to accept the dwindling number of those in attendance. Don’t talk about the silence that was once filled with laughter.  We just let them come, going through the motions of when and where, who and what.  And we’re happy. And we’re blessed. An...
Read more

Protect Them (December 30, 2019)

-
My parents have always tried to protect me always been my first line of defense always had my back–even when I was wrong In return, I never wanted to hurt them never wanted to cause them more stress–more pain–that they already had I always wanted to protect them in the same way they did for me But how can I do that when I can’t even protect myself When the thing that hurts me the most isn’t something I can ward off isn’t something they can help with isn’t something they can even see What can I do when the thing that’s killing me is a part of me ripping away from the inside out suffocating me invisible to the world invisible to me invisible to them How can I protect them from the tears that I can’t keep from coming from wincing as they hear my screams from sitting on the floor, helpless, watching me gasp for breath knowing that all they can do is wait it out But that’s not enough  it never will be not when their baby is crashing ...
Read more