Just Writing From Within

I tell myself that you have no power not over me  not anymore I tell myself that I’m safe that you can’t affect me touch me  hurt me but it’s a lie you’re not here not physically but you’re everywhere  you’re in my mind you’re in my actions you’re in my nightmares you’re. still. here. so no matter how many times I try to convince myself  that I’m okay that you are gone that it’s all over it’s not I’m wrong because it will never end you’ve changed me not figuratively  not metaphorically you–what you did literally rewired my brain literally changed my ability to think literally will be with me forever I didn’t ask for it I didn’t want it and I still don’t  but I didn’t get to make that choice so fuck you for taking a part of me and leaving behind yourself

People say that scents bring back memories of people. That they can be the strongest reminders that someone is gone not for me though for me, it’s the sounds not just everyday sounds, though no  for me, it’s  the faint melodies of Michael Bublé playing from the kitchen as mom gets dinner ready the softness in your voice as I replay the last message you left me the scrape of a book as I flip to the next page for me, it’s the powerful whoosh of the stand mixer as I make cookies the crashing of waves against the rock wall the still silence during an evening prayer for me, it’s the chatter of kids playing the cooing of a child dozing off to sleep The rain pattering against the window There’s nothing that doesn’t remind me of you There’s not a day where I don’t catch myself in a daydream with you by my side There’s not a tear I can stop from cascading down my cheek when I remember that that's all they are– dreams

My parents have always tried to protect me always been my first line of defense always had my back–even when I was wrong In return, I never wanted to hurt them never wanted to cause them more stress–more pain–that they already had I always wanted to protect them in the same way they did for me But how can I do that when I can’t even protect myself When the thing that hurts me the most isn’t something I can ward off isn’t something they can help with isn’t something they can even see What can I do when the thing that’s killing me is a part of me ripping away from the inside out suffocating me invisible to the world invisible to me invisible to them How can I protect them from the tears that I can’t keep from coming from wincing as they hear my screams from sitting on the floor, helpless, watching me gasp for breath knowing that all they can do is wait it out But that’s not enough  it never will be not when their baby is crashing ...

I can’t promise I will know what to say In fact most times I don’t I want to have all the answers but I wish you didn’t need them in the first place I wish I could take it all away I would, you know  But there is nothing I can say nothing I can do to fix it I want to know how to help how to lift you up with encouragement how to hold you with words of wisdom But  I know there are no works –if there are, tell me– I know you don’t need me you’re strong enough on your own– even stronger with him I know you are but I will always listen I am always here always will be I want it to be okay  but I know it’s not it never is but in the words of an incredibly strong person: you’re not alone and while I can’t always promise the right words I can promise that

Do you ever wish that you could take something back? completely wipe the slate and pretend like nothing happened? It’s funny how I convinced myself that it was the right thing told myself that it was empowering and part of healing tricked myself into thinking that no one would get hurt But I look around,  and everyone who I love, everyone who has been there for me,  is being questioned Like it’s their fault–they have to deal with another one of my never-ending problems and it’s not fair and they don’t deserve it They deserve the world–one where I’m not their problem one where I don’t bring them down with me one where I let them go But I can’t  because I’m selfish  because I don’t want to be alone because I can’t hold up the crumbling walls by myself I see their hurt I see their eyes I see the destruction that I bring  But I can’t let them go I don’t deserve them  I’m made aware of that every day that th...

If I were gone tomorrow  would you miss me? sometimes I wonder what it would be like…      would you say something at my funeral? would you even come? maybe mom will empty my room would someone else take my place? fill the halls with music? laughter? light?    would there even be a space to fill? I wonder if it would be worth getting rid of the pain I think not, but sometimes I wonder maybe there would be flowers big  bright  beautiful  arrangements to dry mom’s eyes to give her a reason to smile     to remind her that I’m always with her to remind her that I will never leave