Just Writing From Within

I wonder have you ever thought about a tree? the roots that travel deep into the dirt holding secrets  the trunk that stands firm keeping it safe when the wind tries to blow it down the branches and leaves that sway free  unbothered making it beautiful  making it unique making it special  have you ever thought about a tree? the hundreds of years of pain peace  persistence  everything it’s overcoming everything it overcame you might have thought about a tree but I wonder have you ever thought about me?

I cling knowing it’s not healthy  knowing it’s not who I am but knowing it’s because I’m afraid I search hoping to find my identity  one I will finally like one that fulfills my emptiness I dream of being someone else someone who isn’t average someone who truly matters I cry knowing I will never live up knowing I will never impress but knowing I will kill myself trying

I look at you and see everything I want to be but will never achieve  I see security  but healthy vulnerability I see strength I see wisdom  I see love I see a girl living out her dreams the dreams that scared her the fear the fueled her the ambition that helped her soar I see and I dream but I’ll never be

she lives in the clouds unaware of her path unaware of her purpose looking over everyone never seeing herself she moves constantly from one thing to the next wondering where she belongs but maybe she’s meant to roam nowhere to call home desperately wishing she could look up and see the clouds the way others do

I wonder if you would be proud of me,  if you saw me now.   Would your eyes light up when I came to visit?  Would you give me the biggest, best hug in the whole world? They say I look just like you.  I talk like you, too.  They say, “you remind me so much of your Auntie Jane.” “She would be so proud of the person you have become.”  “You were her little girl, and now you’re just like her.” I am your legacy.  I am your smile.  I am your love.  I am your generosity.  I am everything you taught me, but I can never be you.  Your shoes are impossible to fill.  When you left, a part of all of us  left with you.   A part that can never be replaced or mended.  A missing piece that is lost forever.  I love when people say I am just like you, but they are wrong.  No one can be just like you.  You were one of a kind,  and everyone knew...

It was my body, me, but I wasn’t there.  My soul was gone,  floating above — watching, aching, breaking, but without feeling.  They left and I returned.  But now it is no longer my body; no longer me.  I am not here; my soul is  gone.

I remember the day we met The sun beating down as I walked into the big white church You running to greet me with a smile stretched across your face How young and innocent I was I remember us becoming best friends Me trusting you with everything The sleepovers and the parties The playdates and the happiness I remember the day you told me you had a new game to play The excitement coursing through my veins Then you pulling off my Hannah Montana pajama pants As the words “don’t worry, everyone plays this. It will be fun,” slithered through your teeth I remember your ice cold hands  caressing parts of my body that I didn’t even know existed I was confused about how this could be fun I wanted to play hide and seek, but in reality, I just wanted to hide I remember the next time And the time after that Trapped in closets, pushed up against brick walls Too young, too weak to fight back I remember wanting to please you You were my friend ...