I Remember Everything (May 25, 2019)

I remember the day we met

The sun beating down as I walked into the big white church

You running to greet me with a smile stretched across your face

How young and innocent I was

I remember us becoming best friends

Me trusting you with everything

The sleepovers and the parties

The playdates and the happiness

I remember the day you told me you had a new game to play

The excitement coursing through my veins

Then you pulling off my Hannah Montana pajama pants

As the words “don’t worry, everyone plays this. It will be fun,” slithered through your teeth

I remember your ice cold hands 

caressing parts of my body that I didn’t even know existed

I was confused about how this could be fun

I wanted to play hide and seek, but in reality, I just wanted to hide

I remember the next time

And the time after that

Trapped in closets, pushed up against brick walls

Too young, too weak to fight back

I remember wanting to please you

You were my friend

Friends are supposed to be happy

I made you happy

I remember you leaving

The unexplainable emptiness I felt

Why did you leave?

Did I do something wrong?

I remember the years of confusion 

Of pain

Of not knowing what it all meant

How could I? I was only five

I remember when I learned 

that it wasn’t normal

that you violated me

that it was abuse

I remember the counseling 

The vacant stares as they tried to help

Tried to mend the brokenness you caused

Tried to piece me back together

I remember the weight lifting off of my shoulders

The pieces clicking into place 

The happiness overwhelming me as I realize I did it

I overcame

I remember the years of peace

The years where I walked through the day without thinking of you

Without nightmares keeping me awake

With few triggers and happiness abound

I remember the crash

The day that the words hit me

They didn’t know it would trigger me

And neither did I 

I remember the pain rushing in 

Like water to the rocky shores

Crashing over me 

Drowning me 

I remember my hopeless search for reality

For something, someone to bring me back

To pull me out of the pit of you

To save me from myself – from my past

I remember their pitiful eyes as they watched the single tear stream down my cheek

They knew I needed them

But they didn’t know what to do

I didn’t know what to do

I remember the years it didn’t affect me

Well, not like this; not this bad

Did the walls I built finally crumble?

Why, after all this time, did this break me?

I remember crying violently on the floor of my bathroom

Being crushed by the memories 

The games I never asked to play

The contact I never wanted to feel

I remember thinking that something that happened twelve years ago

Something I had healed from

Should not affect me now

I am seventeen; I am not that little girl anymore 

I remember the words pouring through my soul

Brokenness filling the blank paper

I dug my hands into the dirt walls and crawled my way out of the grave

I had done it before, and I could do it again

I remember the peace I had once known returning

Blanketing me in a serene slumber

Laying me back down to where I could no longer be hurt

To where I am in control