My parents have always tried to protect me always been my first line of defense always had my back–even when I was wrong In return, I never wanted to hurt them never wanted to cause them more stress–more pain–that they already had I always wanted to protect them in the same way they did for me But how can I do that when I can’t even protect myself When the thing that hurts me the most isn’t something I can ward off isn’t something they can help with isn’t something they can even see What can I do when the thing that’s killing me is a part of me ripping away from the inside out suffocating me invisible to the world invisible to me invisible to them How can I protect them from the tears that I can’t keep from coming from wincing as they hear my screams from sitting on the floor, helpless, watching me gasp for breath knowing that all they can do is wait it out But that’s not enough it never will be not when their baby is crashing ...
I cried today. I cried in front of someone I would never imagine crying to. My pain pouring out of my mouth with no off switch. What happened to me? I am not someone who complains. I am not someone who burdens others with my problems. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Maybe this is who I am now, But I sure as hell don’t like it. I am not weak. I do not cry or complain about my problems to anyone who will listen. My minuscule, irrelevant problems do not compare to others’. When did I become this pathetic, problematic child who can’t handle themself? When did I become this negative, sad person? When did the light in my eyes disappear? When did I become someone who breaks down and gives up at the sight of trouble? When did I stop caring? Did I finally break? Did my glass finally shatter to a point of no return? No, It couldn’t have.
People say that scents bring back memories of people. That they can be the strongest reminders that someone is gone not for me though for me, it’s the sounds not just everyday sounds, though no for me, it’s the faint melodies of Michael Bublé playing from the kitchen as mom gets dinner ready the softness in your voice as I replay the last message you left me the scrape of a book as I flip to the next page for me, it’s the powerful whoosh of the stand mixer as I make cookies the crashing of waves against the rock wall the still silence during an evening prayer for me, it’s the chatter of kids playing the cooing of a child dozing off to sleep The rain pattering against the window There’s nothing that doesn’t remind me of you There’s not a day where I don’t catch myself in a daydream with you by my side There’s not a tear I can stop from cascading down my cheek when I remember that that's all they are– dreams
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