I'm Losing You (November 29, 2019)

How do you lose someone who has been gone for years?

You left a long time ago

slowly, you slipped away,

leaving behind a decrepit shell

void of all feeling

It’s been elvene years

you were only supposed to last for five

but you would never settle for average

It’s been four years since you knew me 

You didn’t know how or why, but you knew I was someone important

You could see me, feel me, hear me

That was the last time you told me you loved me

It’s been eight years since I started losing you

Since you looked at me and saw you sister or your mom

Since I became your caretaker, instead of the other way around

It’s been ten years since you whispered in my ear–when you thought I was sleeping–that no matter what happened, you could never forget me

It was an empty promise looking back, but it means everything now

Now that you have

You’ve forgotten

It’s not your fault

You didn’t ask for this 

If it were up to you, you’d be singing in my room, attending every show, holding flowers outside with your infectious smile, beaming

You’d be here

But you’re not

You haven’t been

Not since the day you walked past me,

unaware that I was there

unaware that I was your granddaughter

unaware that I was your Liza

I sit here, holding your hand, singing your favorite songs, brushing your hair 

I sit here with the shell of the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of calling my Kiki– my rock

And I cry

 Because how can I lose you when you’ve been gone for so long?

And why does it still hurt like you never left?