Remembering Mary (December 14, 2017)

I remember that day as if it were just yesterday

I remember playing with my friends

I remember that for a short time nothing was wrong

I remember being happy for the first time in a long time

I remember going to put my phone on my moms charger

I remember unplugging her phone

I remember seeing the text from my aunt

I remember collapsing to the floor

I remember my dad picking me up

I remember violently crying into him

I remember screaming and pounding my fist into his chest

I remember my Mom trying to console me

I remember crying myself to sleep

I remember walking into the hospital the next morning

I remember feeling oddly at home

I remember the doctor telling me that she was resting and I couldn’t see her

I remember refusing to leave until I saw her

I remember my pounding heart walking towards her room

I remember her frail lifeless body laying on the bed

I remember drowning out the monitors, giving her my full focus

I remember our short conversation, our final conversation

I remember the hope I had that she would survive

I remember planning to put my life on hold to care for her everyday

I remember the three days in between the last time I saw her

I remember walking around the hallways like a zombie

I remember failing tests and zoning out during class

I remember checking every notification I ever got

I remember knowing that she refused surgery

I remember getting a text from my dad during math

I remember that he was coming to get me

I remember Mr. Moccio screaming at me for having my phone out

I remember the tears streaming down making my papers wet

I remember explaining to Moccio why I’ve been distracted and failing

I remember him walking me down to guidance

I remember the smiling face of Mrs. Flanagan turning to a frown when she saw me

I remember blocking everything out, every consoling word, every apology, everything

I wish I couldn’t remember the words, “she died this morning”

I wish I couldn’t remember the long nights that followed

I wish I couldn’t remember the regret, the blaming, the anger, the sadness

I wish I couldn’t remember being asked to speak at her funeral

I wish I couldn’t remember the hopeful eyes longing for me to give them relief

I wish I couldn’t remember…

But I know i’ll never forget

I’ll never forget the times we shared

I’ll never forget the endless batches of cookies we made

I’ll never forget the walks to the pond

I’ll never forget the lessons in skipping rocks

I’ll never forget the car rides full of singing

I’ll never forget the long, love filled hugs

I’ll never forget the late nights when I was sick and she stayed up with me

I’ll never forget the church services where she would lean in closer to hear me sing

I’ll never forget the advice

I’ll never forget the stories of her lifetime

I’ll never forget the endless hours we sat on her steps feeding the stray cats

I’ll never forget, my Mary