When I was a kid, Thanksgiving was a big holiday in my family. Everyone–and I mean everyone– was there. Over 100 of us all piled into my great grandfather’s garage. Three huge turkeys from dad, Auntie Jane, and Auntie Karen; hundreds of cookies from Mary and me; and endless tickles from Uncle Jimmy. I love holidays. With a big family like mine, they are the one time we all get together. And boy do we make a big deal of them. I loved holidays. With a once big family like mine, they were the one time we all got together. And boy did we make a big deal of them. Now we don’t talk about them. Don’t talk about the empty seats that will never be filled. Don’t talk about the abundance of leftovers because we refuse to accept the dwindling number of those in attendance. Don’t talk about the silence that was once filled with laughter. We just let them come, going through the motions of when and where, who and what. And we’re happy. And we’re blessed. An...
I cried today. I cried in front of someone I would never imagine crying to. My pain pouring out of my mouth with no off switch. What happened to me? I am not someone who complains. I am not someone who burdens others with my problems. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Maybe this is who I am now, But I sure as hell don’t like it. I am not weak. I do not cry or complain about my problems to anyone who will listen. My minuscule, irrelevant problems do not compare to others’. When did I become this pathetic, problematic child who can’t handle themself? When did I become this negative, sad person? When did the light in my eyes disappear? When did I become someone who breaks down and gives up at the sight of trouble? When did I stop caring? Did I finally break? Did my glass finally shatter to a point of no return? No, It couldn’t have.
What do you do when life starts attacking you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Leaving you with an undiagnosed illness and a childhood defined by sexual abuse? Well, you fight like hell. You do the best you can, when you can, and when you can’t, you get better so you can. You don’t let people tell you how to feel, you tell them how you feel. You advocate for yourself when asshole doctors tell you to “stop crying, it won’t make you less sick.” You prove everyone wrong when they doubt you because “why didn’t you tell someone sooner,” or “how did you not know” as a five year old that your “best friend” was violating you. You continue on. Despite the explosions going off in your stomach and the constant need to run to the bathroom. Despite everyone having an opinion on how you can “fix” yourself. Despite people assuming that you are only your past. Despite the questioning faces when you burst into tears from the agonizing pain. You continue on when your body is t...
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